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Top five regrets of the dying

Top five regrets of the dying

A palliative nurse has recorded the most common regrets of the dying, and among the top ones is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'. What would your biggest regret be if this was your last day of life?

(Susie Steiner from guardian.co.uk, Wednesday 1 February 2012 11.49 GMT)

There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called  

The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

The Death of Ivan Ilyich

Opisthotonus by Charles Bell

  "From that moment the screaming began that continued for three days, and was so terrible that one could not hear it through two closed doors without horror. At the moment he answered his wife realized that he was lost, that there was no return, that the end had come, the very end, and his doubts were still unsolved and remained doubts.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" he cried in various intonations. He had begun by screaming "I won't!" and continued screaming on the letter "O".

For three whole days, during which time did not exist for him, he struggled in that black sack into which he was being thrust by an invisible, resistless force. He struggled as a man condemned to death struggles in the hands of the executioner, knowing that he cannot save himself. And every moment he felt that despite all his efforts he was drawing nearer and nearer to what terrified him. he felt that his agony was due to his being thrust into that black hole and still more to his not being able to get right into it. He was hindered from getting into it by his conviction that his life had been a good one. That very justification of his life held him fast and prevented his moving forward, and it caused him most torment of all." 

From 'The Death of Ivan Ilyich 

By Leo Tolstoy   

DIGNITAS

Files at the Dignitas offices in Zurich, where more than 150 Britons have ended their lives. Photograph: David Levene for the Guardian

I never knew there was so much tea involved in death. "Would you like a cup of tea?" Peter Smedley asks Sir Terry Pratchett, before they settle down to talk about dying.


In Terry Pratchett: Choosing To Die, He explores the realities of medically assisted death. Having been diagnosed with a rare form of early onset Alzheimer's disease in 2008, Terry considers how he might choose to end his life as his condition progresses. In a moving documentary he meets those who, like him, would like to control the way they die including a men suffering from degenerative conditions and he is with a British motor neurone sufferer as he carries out an assisted death at the Dignitas clinic in Switzerland.

 

Dying Together. The Euthanasia of Sir Edward and Lady Downes

"The son of one of Britain’s most respected musicians told yesterday how he wept as he watched his father and mother die hand in hand at the Dignitas suicide clinic in Zurich. Distinguished orchestral conductor Sir Edward Downes, 85, and his 74-year-old wife Joan died from barbiturate poisoning as their children sat with them. Lady Downes had terminal cancer of the liver and pancreas while her husband was nearly blind and increasingly deaf.

Their son Caractacus, 41, said: ‘They drank a small quantity of clear liquid and then lay down on the beds next to each other. ‘They wanted to be next to each other when they died. They held hands across the beds. Within a couple of minutes they were asleep and they died within ten minutes."

A building used by Dignitas for assisted suicides.

"The Dignitas experience: 'It was all a bit scruffy, but it didn't seem to matter" John Larrett  


"We went off to the famous flat in Zurich, which was an ordinary modern block. It was a very nondescript looking place. Some chap who worked for Dignitas introduced himself. They're continually asking the whole time if you want to go through with it, saying it's fine if you want to pull out, even right to the end, when they're mixing up the poison. But no, she was absolutely determined to do it. It wasn't soft lights and soft music, it was all a bit scruffy in a way, but it didn't seem to matter. I can't remember quite what we said to each other in those last minutes, something like, 'Good luck, have a good trip', or,  'Thank you for the happy times we've had'.

The man mixed up this potion. It was quite quick actually. She had this straw and she really sucked it down in a big way. She didn't sip, she really went for it. Within about a minute and a half she was shaking a bit on the bed and I was holding on to her, and then eventually, bang, that was it. I was left sitting there with Diana's dead body for about 20 minutes. It was a bit peculiar. I thought: 'Well, this is it.'

Then we flew back. The flight home was rather odd. I didn't feel bad about it – I felt glad it had happened but pretty empty, really. I was thinking, 'Oh God, and now I've got to carry on with things on my own', which I hadn't really thought about before. We'd left at about nine in the morning and got back about 10 at night. It all happened in one day. Her cousin dropped me off – I remember he had this Jag – and there I was on my own. That was it, finished. I do think about it occasionally. I miss not having Diana around, it's been quite lonely.

But I don't have any regrets about what she decided to do, absolutely no doubt about it at all. I'm delighted that Debbie Purdy won on Thursday. Anything that means that the law can be altered so people with horrible, incurable diseases can end their lives if they choose to is excellent.

guardian.co.uk, Friday 31 July 2009 

Bournemouth Benches

 During a walk on boxing day i saw these blue benches. They had been freshly painted.

Macbeth

Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more; it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.


Discuss

Dancer

Sequence 1 

copyright Boo Saville